Apologies, a bit of a rant and a head-clearing to follow. As I mentioned before, things have been a little shaken up on my end between family stuff, long-distance stuff with my partner, and most recently the death of an old, cherished friend because…my 33rd year is apparently just going to be full of that, it seems. The single driving thing behind so much that I’ve done in the last decade is that I want to be better than the person that I was. It’s part of why I went back to school and got my Masters’, it’s part of why I’m trying to get an article published, it’s part of why I started painting, and it’s part of why I cut myself off from a lot of situations, groups, or people that I thought were unhealthy for me.
Right now I feel like there’s a lot of looking back that’s come about because of that. I took a project on lately that…was probably the right thing at the wrong time. A model kit I’d had when I was half my age now, which at first I thought I was doing great with. Then I finished it, and when I did all I could see was repeated mistakes, little flaws that were exactly like what I’d done when I was younger, even if I had different paints, different brushes, different techniques, different everything. What if I haven’t improved as a person as much as I thought I had? What if I haven’t changed at all? What if I haven’t actually grown? What if, just like my painting, it’s all just the same mistakes repeating in an endless loop? I feel like I’m trapped in a cycle that I don’t know how to break, whether that concerns family, friendships, relationships, or anything else. Going to the wake has just made it all feel more immediate.
He was somebody who…like, when he was around, he was a positive influence on me and everybody else who he was around. He was a phenomenal human being. But I stopped talking to him first because he was involved with a community organization I separated myself from, and then after that because I had a fight with a couple relatives of his, who were also my friends, and…we just fell out of touch. Is…being a better worker, or a stronger scholar, or a healthier individual, or a good painter, worth the kinds of costs you can’t anticipate or expect or prepare for just to get that far? I really don’t know anymore, and I’m not sure what balance to strike going forward, and I…truthfully don’t know how to muddle through this. I’ve set up an appointment for counselling two weeks out through my workplace and maybe that’ll help. And like…maybe this is also a case where I’m asking the wrong questions.
Maybe in addition to figuring out a better work / relationships / hobby / life balance, I need to start repurposing my hobby time – making sure that the time that I do invest in painting is into things that I like, or things that will be meaningful, or for people in my life who are important to me. And…maybe then I won’t question so much whether or not I’m a good painter, but I’ll recognize that I’m putting life and meaning into something that’s otherwise just kind of a fun, blank canvas for me to work with. The hiatus shall continue a bit longer, but I hope to be back and active again by the end of August. I have like 10 different galleries already shot that I just need to work on posting. Also planning a possible Instagram and maybe a podcast when I come back. Everything just kind of feels like it’s up in the air right now, and I’m still just trying to figure out what to do to bring it all back down to earth.
But…I’m determined to bring it back to earth sooner or later, and in the meantime, here’s pics of some of what I’m up to right now, and a taste of some of what’s to come when things level out a little more:
And…on that note, I hope to be back soon, and I hope to have some fun new stuff to share.